Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
#oldknees
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here