Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
A French press is when you hug naked
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Krampus.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
dude it’s called proctologist
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea