I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.