I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My background check bounced.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.