“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.