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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
The three genders
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often