me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken