Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel