he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”