I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled