I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.