Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with