Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO