*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That鈥檚 when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread鈥檚 a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*first date*
Him: So, I鈥檓 a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
He鈥檚 eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I鈥檓 over here eating a salad all non non non.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.