Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.