Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I have so many questions.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.