“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
so i’m at the stock market right
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
twitter users today:
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Dyslexics are teople poo!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.