If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
SCARY COSTUME
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“what that mouth do?” complain
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.