“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.