I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of