*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad