If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
The pen is writier than the sword.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.