Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Natty or not?
IT’S-A ME,
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.