[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast