If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.