I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
This has made my week.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it