I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?