[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.