me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head