TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.