Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Steam Forums
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
plums roundup
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.