100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
How actors in movies eat their food
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe