If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
catch me on valentine’s day like
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Nice try, NASA
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.