Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls