Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger