I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden