There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
You Might Also Like
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Yup….perfect score!
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….