Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
the official breakfast of 2021
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
the composer
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)