customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
You are not alone 💚
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*