Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.