Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.