For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
You Might Also Like
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible