Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The Assassin.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s