So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt