Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
time machine? you mean a clock?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here