Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Care for your back
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.