doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
🤣🤣🤣🤣
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.