Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?