you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
That’s amazing.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.