Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.